He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
