even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
