The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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