The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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