just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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