he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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