Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
time to smoke my breakfast
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
