mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
