who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
