it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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