my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
