eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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