We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
