I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
