someone get that fucking seahorse.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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