i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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