You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
