Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
