I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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