proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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