i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
