I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
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