Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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