I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
