...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
