In the future we'll all be gay
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
