can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
