the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
nutella sex= disaster
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Im part way to drunk.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
