I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
