I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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