I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
