Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
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