I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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