Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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