who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
