The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
