is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
