My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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