shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She tied me up with her honor cords...
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
