I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
