I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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