that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
