Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
