My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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