Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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