I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
