i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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