Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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