I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
