It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
