I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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