I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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