I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
My underwear smells like fireworks.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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