: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
