I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
