Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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