I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
