it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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