no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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