Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Welp...herpes.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
