You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
