you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
