I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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