Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
