I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
