see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
