there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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